Copyright 2001 Bob Ray
INT. BEDROOM NIGHT
Tilt up from the floor to slowly reveal PETER.
DIRECTOR
(a woman's voice with a French accent, speaking slowly)
What I want to see, you with ze ass on ze cock. Pe-tair you enter and enter her poo-see. You're cock in her ass, your in her poo-see. And zen Pe-tair. Fucking her love hole. When your juice squirt, hit her in ze face.
Hold on Peter's mouth as he says.
PETER
You want me to punch her?
Slowly pull back.
DIRECTOR
Yes, punch her face... with juice from the love.
Revealing Peter's confused look. CRYSTAL steps into frame wearing a robe.
CRYSTAL
She wants you to cum on my face.
PETER
(feigning confidence)
Right. Okay.
The shirtless and pumped-up ROD steps into frame and up to Peter.
ROD
In her face. You got that? If one fucking drop of that shit hits me... aww, man. Shit would get fucked up fast.
PETER
(kind of nervous)
Right. No cum on Rod.
The DP steps in and reads the light with a meter. DP communicates a message with hand signals to the AD (O.S.). AD crosses frame left and pull back to reveal him tweaking a light.
DP
(italics in Hungarian, to Director)
We're not shooting gay fucking porn, correct? What the fuck am I lighting for here? Am I lighting for gay or straight?
(the word "fucking" is in English)
The DIRECTOR steps in and sets up a composition with her hands.
DIRECTOR
No.
DP gives him the okay sign and he walks back over
DP
(to cast, in English w/ Hungarian accent)
We're not shooting gay fucking today. No fucking gay.
AD crosses frame right, back to the door.
AD
First places, everyone. Here's yer fuckin pizza, that's yer spot there Peter.
AD hands a pizza box to Peter and points to the other side of the door.
AD
(to Rod & Crystal)
You two fuck on the recliner. Let's get some good, nasty ass fucking.
CRYSTAL
You can count on that.
AD
Anyone seen the slate?
Crystal and Rod drop their robes as Peter walks into the hall and Ad closes the door behind him. AD starts writing something on his hand.
DIRECTOR
This shot here.
DP pulls his camera into position.
We hear Rod sit on the Lazy Boy recliner-rocker chair
ROD
Have a seat right here, honey.
AD
(to Rod and Crystal)
First shot is up! Okay you two, get bouncy. Make some magic.
CRYSTAL
Like Fantasia, baby.
AD
Roll sound.
AD puts on some headphones, presses play on the tape deck dangling from his neck and picks up the microphone.
AD
Rolling! Here's our slate. Roll camera.
AD holds out his hand out in front of the camera. His hand has the slate information written on the palm and fingers.
DP
What the fucking kind of marker is that?
AD
Gimme a break. I lost the other one. Just roll the fucking camera, it'll work.
The DP starts rolling his camera.
DP
Speed.
AD
Scene one, take one. Marker.
AD snaps his fingers and steps out of the shot.
DIRECTOR
Action, now. Go.
We hear Rod and Crystal start up with the moans and groans. Peter paces nervously in the hallway.
CRYSTAL
Yeah, fuck my ass. Mmmmm...
AD
That's your cue, Peter.
Peter hesitates.
AD
Peter, that's your cue.
Peter finds the courage to knock.
PETER
Pizza man.
CRYSTALO
Oh... yeah... Come... on in.
Peter enters and is witness to the porn scene. He freezes under the pressure.
Peter looks around the room.
First to the AD who swings the boom overhead, then to the DP running the camera. Peter spies the Director, who encourages him to get into the action, then looks over at Crystal.
CRYSTAL
Come... all the way in... pizza man. I take it you brought my big... steamy... Italian sausage.
Rod pops out from behind Crystal.
ROD
Fuckin A, dude, get yourself a piece of this. Hop up in that pussy hole.
DIRECTOR
(to Peter)
Your line.
The Director encourages Peter to get into the action with her hand gestures.
DIRECTOR
Your line. Screw ze tip...
A bead of sweat rolls down Peter's face.
PETER
...line... Screw ze tip...
CRYSTAL
That's righ pizza boy, bring that steaming sausage on over here.
Crystal throws her leg over the armrest of the chair, inviting Peter in. Peter wipes his brow and snaps to.
PETER
Screw the tip lady, you can have the whole damn thing.
Peter tosses the pizza box and unzips his leisure suit jacket. He steps up to Crystal revealing the tent in his pants and drops his drawers.
CRYSTAL
Oh yeah, gimme the yard of beef.
Peter plunges in, confident. He pumps twice and his eyes widen and he moans as the pleasure nearly overwhelms him.
PETER
Oh that is so sweet... oh yeah...
The DP sneaks a peak with his non-shooting eye.
DP
Oh this is fucking beautiful. Oh, fuck...
Peter grabs the top of the Lazy Boy's and starts to rock it violently.
PETER
Ah, shit man. Aw shit...
ROD
What the fuck was that?!
Peter's face starts to contort and his knuckles turn white with their death-grip on the recliner.
ROD
Dude, did your nut sack just rub on my nut sack?
Peter is sweaty and he starts shaking.
PETER
Oh, fuck, man...
Peter's eyes twitch and roll.
CRYSTAL
Oh yeah, pizza man...
ROD
Tell me I didn't just feel you fucking nuts. That ain't fucjking cool, man. DUDE!?
DIRECTOR
(to Rod)
Stay wis ze character... Don't loose ze scene.
PETER
Oh no... aww shit...
CRYSTAL
Come on, baby. Give it to me.
Peter is about to lose it, he groans loudly.
PETER
Fuck... oh fuck...
Rod sees that Peter is about to climax. Peter pulls out, preparing to shoot his load as Rod ducks behind Crystal.
DP
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. He's god damn one-pumper.
DIRECTOR
Don't miss ze money shot... ze love.
Crystal closes her eyes in anticipation of the facial. Peter steps back, pumps his dick and squints his eyes. With a moan, his first shot nails Rod's nut sack. Rod snaps to, shocked.
ROD
DUDE!!!! You came on my fucking balls!!!
DIRECTOR
Not balls! Hit her in ze face.
ROD
Oh my fucking God!!
Rod throws Crystal off the chair and to the ground. She sprawls across the floor, angry.
CRYSTAL
Aaagh! You son of a bitch.
ROD
Did you even get any on the girl?!
Peter's ears burn and ring. His vision blurs as the sensual pleasure of an orgasm fries his brain.
DIRECTOR
Punch her face with you're juice!
Peter blindly cocks his arm back for a punch. Rod sits up on the chair in shock and looks at his balls.
ROD
This is fucking bullshit!
Peter reels and with his eyes closed, shoots his second squirt into Rod's chest. Rod shrieks in anger and amazement.
ROD
AAAAAGH!!
DIRECTOR
No, no. Ze face, hit ze girl in the face!
Peter blindly swings a punch at where Crystal used to be. His fist connects with Rod's face and Rod is barely phased. A small stream of blood flows from Rod's nose and he goes berserk. Rod jumps up like the Incredible Hulk and growls in anger.
ROD
AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAME ON MY BALLS!!!!!
Peter opens his eyes, surprised to see Rod. Rod's veins bulge from his neck as he grabs Peter by the throat. Rod throw Peter into the Lazy Boy and starts to beat him, rocking the chair with each punch. Crystal crawls to her purse and digs out a canister of mace.
CRYSTAL
You ASSHOLE! Don't you ever fucking touch me like that, you fucking asshole!
Rod looks back over his shoulder just in time to see Crystal blasts a stream of mace from her can and nail him in the ass.
ROD
AAAAAAAARRRGH!!!! It burns!!!
Rod turns and screams like a banshee grabbing his ass in excruciating pain.
DP
Oh, shit this is too fucking good.
DIRECTOR
No this is wrong. No fighting. We make love.
Rod drops to his knees in excrutiating pain.
ROD
You fucking cunt.
Rod looks over to Crystal just in time to catch a blast of pepper spray in the face.
ROD
Aaaargh!!
Rod hits the floor as the DP films the action, smiling like a mule eating garlic.
DP
Oh this is fucking beautiful.
ROD
You fucking bitch!!
Crystal struggles with the mace canister as the the trigger gets stuck and mace starts to shoot uncontrollably. The stream of mace strafes Peter's eyes and he goes down screaming.
Crystal continues to wrestle with the canister.
DIRECTOR
Catastrophe, this is catastrophe.
We hear a loud roar as the stream of mace hits the microphone. The AD goes down screaming. (maybe the audio cuts out at this point) The Director, standing in the foreground is the next victim and she goes down as well.
The camera quickly pans back over to Crystal and the stream of mace hits the lens. The camera jerks and whip pans and suddenly falls to the ground and the film runs out as the screen turns white.
CUT TO:
INT. PORN SHOP -- DAY
Cheesy lounge music can be heard. Fade in from white to a tight shot of SEAN's (28) eyeballs as he searches the selection of porn tapes. A box catches his eye and he reaches for it. He holds it up and reads the title, he flips the box over and we see in blazing pink letters "YOU CAME ON MY BALLS"
Sean becomes lost in the erotic potential of the video. He seems to float to the counter, never taking his eyes from the box.
CLERK
You came on my balls, a true classic.
Sean looks up, startled from the voice. The smiling CLERK punches up the price.
CUT TO:
INT. SEAN'S HOUSE -- DAY
SEAN punches the play button. The disclaimer starts up and Sean holds down the FF button on the ancient VCR. Sean wrestles with his zipper, his crotch throbbing with excitement. Sean's forehead starts to bead with sweat as he continues to fast forward past the gruelingly long disclaimer.
Sean's tries to unzip his pants, but the zipper wont budge. He tugs and yanks at it, trying to release his pulsating member. Finally, the title scene comes up on the screen and Sean is about to climax.
He frantically hits the EJECT button. The tape slowly ejects. Sean yanks his trousers down, bypassing the zipper all together. Sean grabs the tape from the VCR and throws it across the room.
He grabs the back of the VCR and jams his dick into it as he reaches orgasm. Pure ecstasy washes across his face. He lets lose a grunt of relief and his chin drops to his chest, exhausted.
Sean's hip accidentally bumps the REWIND button and the VCR hums to life. A horrible grinding noise is interrupted by shrieks of pain as Sean's face distorts in agony.
Sean tries to pull out, but he's tethered to the machine. Sean backs away from the TV, tearing the VCR from the wall plug and bringing it with him. He wrestles and fights with the VCR, trying desperately to remove it from his dick. Sean crashes to the floor and again fights with the VCR.
CUT TO:
INT. SEAN'S HOUSE -- DAY
Sean, holding up the weight of the VCR, plugs it into the wall and it powers up. Sean hits the EJECT button and more grinding noises can be heard. Sean yells in pain and yanks the plug from the wall.
CUT TO:
INT. SEAN'S HOUSE -- DAY
Sean ties the plug to a door knob. He takes a deep breath and puts both hands on the wall. He pushes himself backward and a tearing noise fills the air. Sean screams in pain as he falls backward and across the floor, crashing into furniture.
The VCR breaks loose and dangles from the knob, a giant tuft of pubic hair hangs from the tape slot.
Sean sits up behind the overturned chair, his eye is smashed and bruised. He grabs a nearby towel and applies it to his crotch.
make this transition seamless. w/ a push in so close that it gets blurry & dissolve? or punch in and match the light in the bar so we think it's Sean cleaning up the vcr (maybe have Sean grab a blue rag then we cut to him in the bar w/ a white rag--use a blue light to match the color and as we pull back, fade the blue out and the white light in.)
CUT TO:
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Pull back from a tight shot of a towel drying some glasses to reveal SEAN in bartender garb. Two guys sit at the end of the bar (MARK and PAUL) drinking their beers and shooting the shit.
PAUL
Damn Sean, you wake up un the wrong side of the bed today or what?
MARK
No shit. What happened to you?
SEAN
My VCR broke.
Suddenly, the front door opens and the air is sucked from the room. A man with long hair and a beard (JESUS) enters, wearing only a robe and flip flops, he struts across the room.
stay on this shot until Jesus gets to the bar, in slo-mo
everything goes slo-mo when as the door opens and until Jesus gets to the bar.
Slo-mo dolly shot pulling back on Jesus's sandals as he enters and walks toward the bar.
SLO-MO, JESUS'S POV DOLLY SHOT OF
The two girls playing pool in the corner stops to watch Jesus. Jesus's walk is proud, almost arrogant. He shoots a sexy glance at one of the ladies playing pool (JUDY), and points his fingers at her as if they were pistols. She rolls her eyes. Mark, Paul and Sean all eyeball the unusual stranger.
a slo-mo shot of the que ball falling in the pocket?
As JESUS steps up to the bar, everyone abruptly continues about their business. Sean steps up to Jesus to take his order.
SEAN
What can I get for you?
JESUS
Two glasses of water, brother.
Jesus, casual and confident, looks around the bar. Sean starts to fill a glass with ice.
JESUS
(looking away)
No ice, please.
Sean dumps the ice and fills the glass with water. Sean sets the glass down in front of the tip jar and grabs another glass.
Jesus pulls the first glass over to him and licks his lips and squints his eyes. As Sean fills the second glass with water, Jesus empties the contents of the first into his mouth and wipes his lips with his sleeve.
Jesus and Sean both set their glasses on the bar at the same time, Sean's filled with water and Jesus's with red wine residue. Sean grabs the glass without noticing and tosses it in the sink.
JESUS
Thanks, buddy.
Jesus grabs the second glass of water and walks over to the guys at the end of the bar.
JESUS
What you boys havin? It's on me.
MARK
(snottily)
Well it's a tad bit stiffer than water, Hippie.
Jesus turns his cheek to the cam (as if slapped) and signals for the bartender.
JESUS
Two mugs of water, no ice. Aw the hell with it, bring one for yourself.
SEAN
(sarcastically)
What a treat.
Sean sets the,three mugs on the bar. Jesus gives the glasses a karate look and instantly they are filled with beer.
PAUL
Holy freakin shit!
Jesus lifts his glass, also filled with beer, to the sky.
JESUS
That's fucking right. So what do ya think of that shit?
MARK
Oh my God...
JESUS
Of sorts.
Jesus starts to chug his beer, the boys follow suit.
JESUS
(to Sean)
How bout a couple of waters for the fine young ladies playing pool?
Sean picks up two wine glasses and looks for Jesus approval and gets it. He sets the two glasses near the ladies.
SEAN
From the long haired gentleman.
The ladies look at Jesus, confused.
JESUS
(to the guys)
Wine is always the easiest.
Jesus points his fingers in pistol like fashion and the water turns to red wine. The ladies look surprised and then toast Jesus.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Mark slams an empty mug down on the counter. Jesus and friends are drunk, they are surrounded by several empty mugs of beer. The bar is now more crowded and Judy and Lucy are hanging with the guys. Jesus has his arm around Judy.
JESUS
So he says, "Burning bush? You know, a shot of penicillin will cure that right up."
Laughs.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Tilt down from the bar to reveal Sean walking down the bar with five pitchers of water in his arms.
JESUS
Abra-freakin-kadabra!
The pitchers are now filled with beer. The crowd cheers and Mark and Paul start doling out the booze.
JESUS
Everybody tip the nice man.
People start filling the tip jar with cash. Judy is now playing with Jesus's hair.
INT. BAR, POOL TABLE -- NIGHT
Lucy winks at Jesus as she racks the pool balls. Jesus struts over to the table and takes a pool stick from a guy at the end of the bar. Jesus breaks the game of pool and sinks the 9 ball on the break. He tosses the stick on the table and starts to mug down with Lucy.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Jesus, swaying and drunk, is surrounded by people.
JESUS
(slurring)
Check this shit out. Eight glashes of water, wish ice and a limes.
Sean sets them up.
JESUS
That's right, set em up there, buddy. Fuckin fill em up.
Jesus turns to the crowd.
JESUS
Who wants Cuba Libres?
The crowd cheers. Jesus concentrates and turns the waters into Cuba Libres. The crowd cheers and toasts Jesus.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
A quick shot of Jesus with the water tap in his mouth
CUT TO:
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Jesus staggers through the crowd. He spies some guy with a cigarette in his mouth and sloppily swipes it from his lips. Jesus pops the smoke into his mouth and the cigarette turns into a joint. He puts his arm around the guy and shows off his handiwork.
GUY
Fucking A.
Jesus bogarts the joint and then hands it to the guy.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Jesus pops up with a tall drink in his hand and making the heavy metal-devil sign with the other.
JESUS
Yeah, motherfucker! Yeah! Long Fucking Island Ice Tea!
The crowd cheers and he hands the drink to someone.
JESUS
Fuzzy mother-fuckin Navel!
The crowd cheers.
JESUS
Anybody got the munchies?
GUY
Fuckin A!
JESUS
Gimme them Gold Fish.
Someone hands Jesus the bowl of crackers. Jesus pops up.
JESUS
Fuckin fish sticks!
The crowd cheers. Jesus drunkenly puts his arm around a girl and starts tossing fish sticks into the crowd.
slo-mo shot of Jesus tossing the fish sticks into the air as if it were $ in a rap video. people jump up and grab the fish sticks.
CROWD
(chanting)
Je-sus! Je-sus! Je-sus!...
INT. BATH ROOM -- NIGHT
Jesus puking and a girl hold his hair. Jesus dry heaves a few times and then looks skyward.
JESUS
Why have you forsaken me, Father?! WHY?!!!!
Jesus is interrupted by his own puke as he pukes some more.
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
People are drunk. The clock reads 2AM.
SEAN
I'm sorry folks. But it's 2AM. I can no longer sell you booze.
The crowd is disappointed and they boo.
SEAN
Sorry folks, contact you local legislature.
People start to slowly disperse. The clock hits 2:03 and suddenly, Jesus busts through the girls bathroom door.
JESUS
Set em up, Sean. A water for every mother fucker in here.
The crowd cheers loudly and someone thrust a drink into Jesus's hand.
JESUS
FUCK YEAH!!!
Jesus jumps into the heavy metal devil sign pose and people mob him.
CROWD
JESUS! JESUS! JESUS!...
JESUS
Keep them waters coming!
Sean busts out a water hose and people are holding up their glasses, waiting to get filled up.
Pull back as everyone gets loud and Jesus throws his arm around some dudes and gets excited.
JESUS
Woooo! Fuck Yeah!